After my mom’s death, I was really surprised by how much I missed her. When my father passed away it was such a relief as he had had cancer for a third time, it had gone into his bones and he was in such pain that it was pure relief and happiness when he was gone.
I did not miss him so much but still hear his voice constantly telling me things, guiding me, teaching me.
However, with my mom, I guess because I had cared for her for so long, it was as if we had both been mothers to each other. I would walk by her room and look in to see how she was…and then I would remember, oh, she’s gone.
I still wake up in the middle of the night and think, “I need to go check on mom.” I have even gone halfway to her room and then remembered. At times, I am preparing food, or in the grocery store…and so on and think, “I need to heat some up for her.” And then it hits. But I know with time and understanding the wounds we have all heal or at least fade enough that the hurt is not so deep.
Also, the roller coaster of life takes you down, but it also takes you up. Michael John Sagastizado was born shortly after losing my mom. He and Ashley had a hard time in the beginning. She got a virus or bacteria, most likely in the hospital, and was running a high fever and was very sick. Her labor also stalled as her fever went up and she ended up with a cesarean. She tried so hard, but we are just thankful they are both okay and with us.
Michael was in NICU for a few days as he simply could not keep his blood sugars stable. They think it maybe was due to the infection Ashley contacted. But he pulled through quickly and was out in a few days.
He is so handsome and such a happy baby and good nurser. Ashley is such a good mother. It is such a joy to see my daughter and daughter-in-laws have babies and see what great mothers they are and to see what great fathers my sons and son-in-law are. We have truly been blessed.
Sunday evening, a few days after the birth, I was finally allowed into NICU and to hold Michael. He looked a lot like my Michael who was stillborn 13 years ago. I could feel my Michael’s presence and feel the sweet pure spirit of this Michael who just came to be in our family. It was a very spiritual moment of profound happiness and yet a longing for the child I lost.
Tears were running down my face. Then Elizabeth came in and then Rebeca. Rebeca was too young and wasn’t supposed to be in there, however, the nurse realized that she was mature and would not be disruptive. To see my younger daughters hold my newborn grandson was so gratifying. I use to worry since they were the youngest that they wouldn’t know how to take care of children or know how to handle babies, and so forth.
Now I realize with all of the grandchildren that they will have plenty of opportunities. In fact, maybe just as much as their siblings (although, their older siblings think they are spoiled and do not have to do anything).
Albeit, they have never had to share a Happy Meal like their older siblings did or a myriad of other sacrifices, but they also don’t have a houseful of playmates either…Rebeca’s always looking for someone who will ride a bike with her or go play in the tree house with her. We are all old and boring here. While that would have never happened to her older siblings. There was always someone ready to go outside and explore.
I do have to add that Maria went to be with Ashley while she was in labor and I had her two boys for two days and overnight…and I was worn out! How I raised 9 is beyond me…I definitely had more energy 30 years ago. (But so worth all the work!)