A Group Exercise in Conflict Management
The most common type of role-related stress experienced by members of our group were family-related roles. Only one member mentioned work as the most stressful.
From being the "family crutch", to lack of time to do all that spouse and family require. Living near family members that constantly ask for favors, to dealing with conflicts.
The second most common type of stress was determined by the group to be the expectations of others, and the third, was expectations of oneself.
The expectations that cause each kind of stress stem from mainly how others perceive how one should use one's time, or how the individual should accomplish a specific task. We had all felt this type of expectation, and yet many times there were given no clear guidelines nor sufficient time to complete the task.
Most of these expectations originate from family, friends, work, self, school, etc. Many times these come from other's perceptions that they don't receive enough attention.
For stress reduction, the group listed from our own experiences the following as the most effective methods:
Prioritize time.
Make specific time commitments and keep them.
Scheduling.
Cut back on frivolous activities.
Find some "me" time.
Keep a positive attitude.
Coordinate activities-put two separate activities together.
Learn to say no.
Separate oneself from the situation.
Develop a plan.
Emphasize quality time.
Know peak and slow times and work accordingly.
Focus on things that can be changed.
Don't worry about what can not be changed.
Learn from the past, don't keep living it.
Exercise.
(If you notice, most of these methods that deal with conflict resolution are actually Time Management Skills. Most business and individuals struggle because of poor use of time or a task or process that needs to be refined...and the conflict arises because of that).
The approaches that seem promising initially, but fail ultimately to be useful, were defined as:
Separation; as many times a person simply can't separate themselves from the problem, or possibly the same conflict will appear in a new form in a new area.
Cutting back on frivolous activities; everyone needs something to do that is relaxing, fun, or endearing to them. The main objective was to cut back on activities one doesn't enjoy, but that are using precious time, without any real sense of accomplishment.
Say "no". A hard thing to do; but the same advice for frivolous activities applies in this situation, too..
Exercise. For many this is a difficult habit to incorporate into their lives.
The group felt that the kind of support that we might need from others to implement the stress reduction approaches were several. Others need to change their expectations and attitudes about how our time should be used. Precise directions should be given and sufficient time should be allowed to complete a task. More help and cooperation are needed.
The obstacles are that others don't want to change their expectations or attitudes, inadequate time management, differing priorities, other's lack of work ethic, and individual preferences.
The benefits of adopting these approaches are many. First of all, many of those with whom we have a conflict will have no desire to change. Therefore, most of the change will have to come from ourselves.
As we become better managers of our own natural resources, i.e., our minds, our time, talents, and abilities to organize, coordinate, and prioritize, we will reap the benefits of being able to accomplish more in the same amount of time.
Second, "though conflict may seem inherently undesirable, current research suggests that conflict is often Functional, having positive effects such as the following:
1. Conflict can lesson social tensions, helping to stabilize and integrate relationships. If resolved in a way that allows the discussion and dissipation of disagreements, it can serve as a safety valve that vents pressures built up over time.
2. Conflict lets conflicting parties express rival claims and can provide the opportunity to readjust the allocation of valued resources.
3. Conflict can help maintain the level of stimulation or activation required to function innovatively. In so doing, conflict can serve as a source of motivation to seek adaptive change.
4. Conflict supplies feedback about the state of interdependencies and power distributions in a organization's structure.
5. Conflict can provide a sense of identity and purpose by clarifying differences and boundaries between individuals and groups.
At the very least, conflict can serve as a red flag signaling the need for change. Believing that conflict can have positive effects, contemporary managers try to manage or resolve conflict rather than avoiding or suppressing it" (Hollenbeck, 1998, pp. 257-258).
Third, as we develop an attitude of gratefulness, find time for ourselves, and realize that every individual has to cope with irony, we can change our perceptions, and then our expectations, of ourselves and others. We will then realize that if we hope to change others, or reduce conflict, we must first change our own expectations and how we deal with the perceptions and expectations others have for us.
References
Hollenbeck, J.R., Wagner III, J.A. (1998) Organizational Behavior-Case and Exercise Book. Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc.
Conflict or Instruments of Peace
This is an edited version of a talk by Robert S. Wood
Have we slipped unknowingly into patterns of slander, evil speaking, and bitter stereotyping?
I have a friend who is a member of a political panel that is seen each week on national television. Explaining her role, she said, “We are encouraged to speak before thinking!”
We appear to be living in an era in which many are speaking without thinking, encouraging emotional reactions rather than thoughtful responses.
Whether it be on the national or international stage, in personal relations or in politics, at home or in the public forum, voices grow ever more strident, and giving and taking offense appear to be chosen rather than inadvertent.
We have seen that from the beginning and throughout history, there would be agitators that would inflame people’s hearts to anger, who inspire distrust, fuel controversy, and deepen hatreds.
Wrath is defined both as the righteous indignation of God and as the very human instances of impetuous ardor and deep or violent anger.
The former arises from the concern of a loving Father whose children are often “without affection, and they hate their own blood,”whereas the latter wrath arises from a people “without order and without mercy, … strong in their perversion.”
I fear the earth is experiencing both wraths, and I suspect the divine wrath is very much provoked by those who are stirring up the hearts of men to wickedness, slander, and violent hatreds.
The first casualties of human wrath are truth and understanding. James counseled that we be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
Whether they be false friends or unrighteous teachers, artists or entertainers, commentators or letter writers to local newspapers, seekers of power or wealth, beware of those who stir us up to such anger that calm reflection and charitable feelings are suppressed.
Have we, who try to cultivate good character and ethics, slipped unknowingly into patterns of slander, evil speaking, and bitter stereotyping?
Have personal or partisan or business or religious differences been translated into a kind of demonizing of those of different views?
Do we pause to understand the seemingly different positions of others and seek, where possible, common ground?
I recall that as a graduate student I wrote a critique of an important political philosopher. It was clear that I disagreed with him.
My professor told me that my paper was good, but not good enough. Before you launch into your criticism, she said, you must first present the strongest case for the position you are opposing, one that the philosopher himself could accept.
I redid the paper. I still had important differences with the philosopher, but I understood him better, and I saw the strengths and virtues, as well as limitations, of his belief. I learned a lesson that I’ve applied across the spectrum of my life.
General Andrew Jackson, as he walked along the line at the Battle of New Orleans, said to his men, “Gentlemen, elevate your guns a little lower!”
I think many of us need to elevate our “guns” a little lower. On the other hand, we need to raise the level of private and public discourse.
We should avoid caricaturing the positions of others, constructing “straw men,” if you will, and casting unwarranted aspersions on their motivations and character.
It is far too easy sometimes to fall into a spirit of mockery and cynicism in dealing with those of contrary views. We demoralize or demean so as to bring others or their ideas in contempt.
Closely related to mockery is a spirit of cynicism. Cynics are disposed to find and to catch at fault.
Implicitly or explicitly, they display a sneering disbelief in sincerity and rectitude. Isaiah spoke of those who “watch for iniquity” and “make a man an offender for a word, and lay a snare for him that reproveth in the gate, and turn aside the just for a thing of nought.”
George Albert Smith observed, “There is nothing in the world more deleterious or harmful to the human family than hatred, prejudice, suspicion, and the attitude that some people have toward their fellows, of unkindness.”
In matters of politics, he warned, “Whenever your politics cause you to speak unkindly of your brethren, know this, that you are upon dangerous ground.
We cannot afford to be caught up in a world prone to give and to take offense.
Rather, as Paul noted, we must neither envy nor be puffed up in pride. We are not easily provoked, nor do we behave unseemly. We rejoice not in iniquity but in the truth.
Surely this is the instrument of peace which we offer.
5. Sayings of a Saint, sel. Alice K. Chase (1952), 30.
Given at General Conference / April 2006
Official Web site of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
© 2011 Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All Rights Reserved
